The Asymptotic Faery - The Writings of Allyson N. Jason

Sometimes when I am observing, let’s say, a political debate…I’ll realize that I don’t have enough information to really form an opinion or to even know what I think, in depth, on a particular issue. It has nothing to do with my capacity for understanding but rather the lack of possessing enough data in that arena. I also realize that if I took the time to gain more knowledge and information on a given topic, that it will allow me to help to foster greater understanding. I would be prepared to offer my view, to try to see the “bigger picture” by looking at all sides, to form analogies where analogies might not have been created and to perhaps fuel epiphanies for both myself and others. I feel I have the potential to do that and that this is where my part as an instrument also comes in but first I must process more information on a given subject. In order to really think about something on your own requires more information to work with. There’s so much to absorb.

When I think of how much there is to learn, it can be overwhelming…but I also think it’s amazing and inspiring. I feel this way when I enter bookstores or libraries. I feel this intense sense of urgency…like I just want to open up the top of my head and dump everything inside all at once.

But of course that’s not possible. I do, however, tend to prefer the autodidactic approach when it comes to learning and seek and use resources accordingly. A good place to start would be to make a list of books I’d like to read and order them through Amazon…and check off items on that list as I complete each book. I also don’t strive to just read or know about things I am comfortable or agree with. You can’t gain understanding and and cultivate and gain awareness by doing that.

This would fit well into the idea of doing and learning something new -every- day.

Why not utilize potential energy? I don’t think most people do in a progressive sense. We get wrapped up in so many mundane and petty dramas. It’s blinding. It’s distracting and over the span of our lives, it might tragic and wasteful.

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Current Mood: Introspective

Perhaps the nature of existence and being is ideally a complete circle. It’s the perfect symbol. Not like a square or any other object with defined set points. An infinite amount of points (possibilities and modes of life) can be placed on the path of a circle. Humans tend to think in line segments. That thinking inclination inspires how we function and understand. There’s a beginning and there’s a definite end in line segment logic. If there’s a beginning we want to know its source. We believe there has to be a discrete source. However the source is the ending because the ending is the beginning.

It is mind-boggling and hard to process this because again we want a source. We can’t accept this question as being a universal. Has existence always been self-containing and self-supporting? Has it always been a complete circle?

I think of the infinity symbol and see that it’s a circle collapsing into itself. As a result, the collapse creates two hemispheres connected by a central point which establishes a dividing plane. If you were to draw a vertical line on that central point, it would create a dividing plane. Perhaps that describes our existence on this planet or in the physical world. Our goal might be to strive towards completion…overcoming that invisible plane and becoming a circle where the connection between a higher realm (on the left side of the plane) and the material realm (existing on the right side of the plane) is no longer divided. Perhaps that is evolution. Perhaps that is our goal.

I think this question comes up a lot. As a species, why are humans here? Why did we evolve to this point? If we were to become extinct tomorrow, the earth would survive without us and it has before quite well. We create “imbalance” and then seek to save our environment from that imbalance when it has gotten out of hand. But again we created it. We are too intelligent for our own good at times (or are we?). We create ideals that we’d like to strive but aren’t ready for because we haven’t reached that point in evolution. Or we expect everyone to be ready for certain stages of evolution collectively.

So why are we here? What is our contribution as a species? and why do we possess a particular level of consciousness and reasoning abilities that other species are believed to not have? There must be a reason. We were at one point less evolved collectively, but if you believe of natural selection as some form of “manifest destiny” in the world of nature, then even this journey in evolution, for us, was not a chance development. It suits some cause.

If something is created, then we can imply that it never existed before. Perhaps it always did. Creation might really just be transformation of an energy or possibility that is already there. Perhaps we are meant to help this planet reach its maximum value (temperature/global warming) in the realm of entropy…and once we do, the earth will reach absolute zero temperature (sun dies out). Something new will then come out of this cycle.

I go back to a previous entry, on LiveJournal, here where I talked about everything happening all at once and how there can be an infinite number of Allyson’s existing in unlimited dimensions. If I “create” a path…then I am saying it didn’t exist before. I am just choosing something that already exists in a different dimension.

I had a brief conversation interlude with a LiveJournal friend:

“If the universe is all random with no sense, can any one path (or set of paths) truly be any better than any other?” - LJ Friend

That question makes you take everything less seriously and scales it way down from epic proportions.

It makes you feel like life is indeed a playground or a science lab where you can relax and perform experiments to find answers and to think further.

It makes one question why is it so damned important to get up at 8am for work. What does it matter anyway? Why not go to a museum today instead? Where is this life-or-death pressure coming from?

I think that question makes us have a desire to transcend because we know we are part of something so infinitely great.

On further thought, I think it if that question brings on this awareness and desire to transcend, we then realize how much we are living in a material based world, society and culture where the quintessence of transcendence is absent.

So if we wanted to transcend and “play”…we couldn’t do it without severe consequences in this social construct. I think we’d have to design a new society that is based on transcendence and I’d have to think further about what kind of society that would be…and what it would be, act and function like.

I came away with this question after having this exchange:

If any of these ideas have any merit, then why is any choice that we make more important or epic than another?

My take:

The civilization of choices. Maybe no choice is inherently better. They all have their conveniences and are used as instruments to fulfill a certain purpose or need. Just like we might be instruments as life forms. We are choices existing on an infinite self-supporting plane. So what truly orchestrates our choices? We like to say it is “us” as a singular entity existing entirely on our own…but perhaps that’s not the right perception. Again our choices might be bigger than “us” in our myopic perspectives. We are instruments. It’s definitely something to think about.

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I think one of my biggest fears is the loss of a loved one. That’s a subject that’s hard to look at objectively or deeply (because it’s inevitable and never something you can really prepare for) each time it’s considered…especially as the music of decay becomes louder all around me. Evidence of decay is always there of course because that’s part of life and existence but I think we put it in the background when it doesn’t really involve “direct connections”, attachments and bonds…it’s hard to imagine ourselves without those connections and that we’ll never have them again in this lifetime in such a tangible sense.

I find that although I enjoy change, development and transition, I am very much a person who finds it hard to adapt to change in other ways. As I often look to the future, I also tend to be very sentimental and attached to the past. I am often afflicted by ghosts, people and experiences of the past. Sometimes it is hard to “let go” and accept…or to bury. As a result, when I think about the past and change, it’s a very sad process. I feel sick with nostalgia, “what was” and memories of youth and family…everything was newer, simpler and bigger on some level in younger days. Naiveté…innocence, fumbling, discovery, finding one’s way through “firsts”… Even some of my negative experiences and difficult times take on more of an idealistic impression when I feel this way…you feel like you want to stop time from having consistent motion and curl up inside of its suddenly protective wings with all of the people you love and all of the things you know and are familiar with…lasting forever in unity

I seem to “enjoy” being a circle in this instance…because I am going to find myself back into a morose mood if the focus on this subject continues right now…

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Regarding Madeleine L’Engle:

She’s one of my long-time favorite authors. I totally wasn’t aware of her passing last year. She was certainly along in years but this is still a surprise.

Shows how often I pay attention to the outside world at times…

In a sense I do but I don’t. I am so caught up in carving out my own path and carrying my voice.

I have a lot of writing pieces from my past all scattered about in my room and the house in various notebooks, tablets and folders. They should all be located, organized and updated (if applicable) and then rewritten within word documents. It’s fascinating to look back at writing that I did several years ago and observe how I expressed myself then compared to now. There are several unfinished stories, both short and long that I totally forgot about until now, since I’ve been giving more thought and development to my current writing project.

I think I was able to focus on my writing in a very fluid manner because it wasn’t ambitious…it was just expressive. In the last couple of days, I struggled with a bit of frustration toward my writing. That familiar blocked feeling made itself present and I tried working through it by finding out what was at the source. The source was impatience, great expectations and urgency. None of these feelings promote a creative flow. I just wind up choking.

I feel better about getting to the root and examining my frustration because it’s very self-imposed. I realize that some things are going to take some time especially if so many details and ideas are involved. For example, it took J.K. Rowling 5 years to write her first book in the Harry Potter series although the ideas came to her quickly on a train. She wanted to get published but for the most part, felt a need to write and get her characters and story out of her mind.

I am trying to do that and it is helping. I’ve managed to come up with more details about the origins of Pink Laughter Kingdom, the plot, more characters as well as epic roles that main characters will play as the story evolves. I also try to write daily or at least frequently. If I don’t do any writing for the day with my story, then I try to keep myself in spirit of writing by blogging and spitting out experimental work. I hadn’t really looked into what “experimental writing” until recently. I had this common-sense-notion of what kind of writing would fit in genre and I was curious about where some of my writing fit. Some writing that I do would not be classified as poetry or prose but rather short descriptive and often metaphorical settings, scenes and interactions. Experimental writing seems like the most suited category especially since the often-vaguely-described genre includes writing fragmentations.

As for my current writing project, I’ll concern myself with the business side of things later. I’ll still have my goals and they will be considered to some degree, but they aren’t going to be the leading motivation…for now. Just writing.

I managed to get to the gym yesterday morning at 5 am. As I wrote before, my gym opens at this time. I was dead wrong in assuming that the place would have very few people there at that hour. So wrong that I had to find a parking space on the 4th floor. It makes sense. The gym is expensive and there are probably many working professionals who prefer to do their workouts in the morning before hitting work. Early birds and risers…although I’d consider myself an early drifter. And speaking of expensive, that is another good reason for me to start going regularly again. I pay 80 dollars a month at this place and if I don’t go, I might as well consider the place a source of charity.

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Right now I am listening to the album The Tango Saloon by The Tango Saloon. I am starting to notice that I prefer a lot of music without words (or with very few) when writing or reflecting. In other words (heh), the music preferred is instrumental and atmospheric. It gently creates a mood.

This isn’t an exclusive preference but it seems to be less distracting and more relaxing and stimulating.

There was a time when I started to use music as a way to bring myself into a trance state. One of my favorite albums to do this to was Children of Chaos by T99. The album came out in 1992. The breakthrough hit, “Anasthasia” immediately captured my attention through the now defunct but legendary Los Angeles radio station MARS-FM 103.1. I was a huge fan of this station and would listen to it all the time. So many odd and awesome alternative and electronic artists/bands were introduced into the mainstream.

Anyway, I remember turning on the music, sitting in low lighting and allowing myself to become hypnotized by escaping into the environments, scenes and settings that the music invoked mentally. The more I did this, the more I’d find it easier each time to go into trance mode.

I am not sure what this did for me on a deep level, but it was calming, relaxing and balancing. I could forget about my tangible environment and go somewhere else for the time being. I haven’t done this in years and I am thinking that maybe I should incorporate this form of meditation back into my life. I do it see as a form of meditation and sensory guidance.

As a very passionate, sensual and feeling person, the process would be good for me. It’s important to feel and to tap into sensations because you can become so aware and tuned into things, however this wiring can also be crippling and distracting. The notion of mind over matter deserves some attention and incorporation. There are some skills to be learned here.

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So where do I want to take my writing? What do I see for my future?

Well, that’s the thing. There are so many roads to take but the first ones that come to mind are in the realm of:

1. developing a story for an RPG game (ideally for a console)
2. setting up a strong foundation for character profiles and the world they inhabit (series of children’s’ books or novels)
3. screen writing for television
4. detailed and descriptive content for creating a lifestyle brand out of my Pink Laughter Kingdom world concept

These are some goals I’d like to accomplish. Right now, goal 1, 2 and 4 take center stage and in that union, 1 and 4 are the biggest targets.

I don’t have all of the answers when it comes to how I will accomplish these goals. Like I mentioned before, this is all new territory for me. So I am learning as I go along and finding out how I will organize some of these plans….all the while acclimating to the writing process again.

I keep thinking of the quote, “If you build it, they will come.” I certainly think that applies here.

As for Pink Laughter Kingdom, I realize this is going to take awhile. I will need to do a lot of research for referencing. For example, if I am going to talk about the social and political structure of the kingdom, then I need to look around at information on actual social systems of past and present to base this on. The intent is not to completely copy but to get some foundation and to innovate from that point on. This is like building a micronation. So I must think about bartering systems, form of government, currency, flag, rules, laws, principles, colors, culture and much more.

So far, I have the general idea developed for the origins of Pink Laughter Kingdom and I have a few character profiles fleshed out. I have more characters established but they are just in illustrative mode at this point. I need to take time to figure out how to build their profiles so that they fit in the world design plausibly and with other characters that have already been developed.

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Current Mood: Introspective

This site is one of many places in which I’ll be publishing some of my writings…and of course getting practice.

It’s always been weird to give myself the label of writer although I’ve always had a writer’s spirit. In my mind, I’ve always reserved that label for published writers who became successful, rich and famous from their works; Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Anne Rice, J.K Rowling and the like. Not me.

I’ve only just began to really get into my writing in an ambitious sense. The writer spirit has always been within and I’d let it out often when I was younger. I wrote as an emotional outlet. I wrote to bleed and to purge my system. The Bleeding came to a halt once I was out of high school. I slipped out of this inclination and busied myself with so many mundane worries and mindfuck episodes. I carried my writing a bit into my early college years, but again, I slowly forgot about bleeding and the toxins started to build.

I found myself without productive outlets of expression. I was on autopilot and didn’t stop as much as I should have to reflect and ponder about my frenzied motions and daily gestures.

Well as the years came and went, I started getting into shadowboxing. I was in the Vicarious Age and I just couldn’t bring myself to live in the spirit of authenticity and expression directly, although the pull and calling was always there. I danced around the perimeters and watched others conduct their magic rituals within the circle of progress. All I could do was shout out tips and advice about how to work better spells and create more elaborate and engaging mojo bags and charms. Accompanying this spectatorship was an intense schadenfreude inspired urge to disassemble the altars and snuff out of the candles of those within the circle. I could make them better magicians with my direction and often did, but I failed to get in there and call upon my own magic abilities.

I got tired and wanted to get back in touch with the magician within myself.

Creating and inventing is my magic. It’s my calling. Writing is a tool that I’ve decided to pick up again and get acquainted with. But I am in the process of learning how to advance my weaponry skills.

The difficult part about getting back into writing is that I have so many ideas; a bottomless well of them, however, I must get myself comfortable with the process of creation and establishing a vision.

I would describe this challenge in two different ways:

1. You are standing in the middle of a massive and vast space of land as far as your eyes can see in any direction. You are the creator and you have free reign to design and theme this environment however you want. There’s no limit.

2. You are an architect that has designed interiors before. But you’ve been commissioned to completely design a large palace. The objective is a humongous task and you must come up with the entire blueprint for both the interior and exterior layout.

In both of these examples, there’s a feeling of excitement and euphoria due to the infinite possibilities of creative expression. I can be as innovative and pioneering as I want. However, I find myself feeling anxious, overwhelmed and intimidated because of the level of responsibility, planning and organization that must go into the laboring process for any vision that I might have within the contexts of being a creator.

Well, that’s the way I feel about writing right now. I find that I am not sure what road to take, how to approach certain ideas or slow myself down to really become patient with the process of development. This is new for me. I’ve never written a novel, I’ve never completed a full script. I’ve never done anything in an ambitious sense and on a larger scale overall.

I’ve worked hard many times in my life, and I’ve produced some very innovative writing works which have gained attention and admiration, but again I am very much in a World Creator context with a purpose and calling, which is different than before.

If I can relax and know that time is on my side and as a result, eventually see “my palace” or “civilization” come alive, then I can pace myself through the process. I’ll find that my excitement won’t be such a distraction. I can let it work its charms and develop a feeling of entitlement and comfort in being a creator.

I will also realize that everything doesn’t have to be done all at once on a massive scale. Who says I need to create a palace or world in one day. I might aim for that, but it’s going to involve a lot of trail, error and experimentation. No writing project is perfect or satisfactory the first time around and not all writing projects should even be ambitious.

All writing is good writing in this stage…because it helps me to get the process going in some way or another.

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Current Mood: Curious

Ghosts

They show up everywhere. The only way they can no longer exist in your world is for you to exit this life and consciousness. I am talking about the ability to feel, remember and imagine. Ghosts seem to always be associated with the past. I don’t believe this is incorrect to do, but I don’t see these as the only ghosts that can appear. A ghost haunts, leaves an impression and lingers. So I guess if something has this effect or these qualities, it can be considered a ghost.

Right now I am listening to the track that I listed as my current music. As I listen to it, it invokes the presence of a ghost. The song puts me in an affected state. It makes me think of a being in a nocturnal, faraway, metropolitan environment heavily perfumed by a sophisticated and feminine fragrance. The streets are cobblestoned and tall streetlights topped with lanterns line the street while casting off an assembly of yellow oozing glows. I can spot a couple talking in the distance, across from me, in front of a storefront glass display of a French cafe. The woman wears a long dark overcoat; a red silk scarf embraces her neck and matches the knee-length skirt she has on.

The man next to her whispers in her ear and eventually catches me staring at them. I can barely make out his face, but he is dressed for cool night weather as well. Black slacks and trench coat, formal dress shoes, a stylish cane, white scarf partially draped around his neck with the longer end falling onto his left shoulders and a black tucked shirt peeking through the opening of the entanglement of the scarf and coat.

I feel a longing for this environment…to be there. It feels like I remember it but it’s not part of my past…however as the track plays, I am haunted by this place and these people. They exist somewhere. The music is like a portal into another world.

I find myself “daydreaming” like this very often…to so many things. A trigger can be something as simple as sitting next to a woman in a public place, getting a glance of her crossing her legs and seeing that moment reveal a part of her leg under her skirt. Immediately, the witnessing of that can become a portal into another world. Triggers for the appearance of ghosts beckoning me and standing next to open portals can also be scents, quick sounds which include voices, the feeling of various textures, flavors from food and other visuals.

I think when you experience life this way so strongly, you are naturally going to be a person who feels everything intensely. You will also be a person with vivid and temperamental moods. The notch is turned up higher on everything. You can sense and feel so much. There’s a feeling of wanting to part of all that is out there and places that exist in unexplainable realms while being completely isolated.

Maybe right now I am doing everything. There’s an infinite number of Allyson’s playing various roles all at once in different dimensions. Maybe when I get my premonitions, I get a glimpse into one of those roles that are further ahead in a particular path that I could choose. This sounds as crazy as lighting a day old turd on fire…but it’s dizzying to comprehend because how can anyone be that omniscient to understand and see everything (and about themselves)? Also where is the original? Am I the original?

If I make a decision, how central is it over any other Allyson who makes a decision in their realm, which ultimately decides “my” future? How can all of that happen at once…interchangeably?

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One of the subjects I’ve been thinking about more lately is whether or not people should strive to be completely honest in a relationship regarding their emotions and their past. What is true intimacy and how do you create that in a relationship?

Should someone know as much as possible about their partner or should both people keep some things (past expriences, beliefs, ideas, etc.) to themselves?

I initiated this topic on a discussion board and several people replied, but I came across a common response from a woman. She said that if her current partner revealed that he had slept with a prostitute in the past, then she wouldn’t want to know. Of course this reveals how she feels about prostitution and men who seek out prositutes for sex as there are many women who wouldn’t be bothered by this kind of admission. She also said that an ex-boyfriend revealed some things to her about his past and consequently, she couldn’t look at him the same although she stated, in defense of maintaining privacy in relationships, that “the past is the past and should not dictate who someone is today”…

She ended her response by asking why do we need to be that open in relationships?

I thought for a bit and this was my response:

I don’t think there’s a need to sit one’s partner down and mechanically go through a list of things that you’d want to reveal all at once or give explicit sexual details, but I do think if certain questions are asked, they should be honestly answered in a very close relationship or discussed later in an organic fashion.

I know I am in the minority with this thinking but I feel this way because whatever happens as a result will reveal truth regardless. It will reveal truth about whether or not there’s shame about one’s past, the relationship can still prosper after knowledge, and what judgment really means about intrinsic beliefs and values about the person judging and so forth.

I’ve always liked to get closer than most people feel comfortable with in relationships, because I like to do this with myself to a large degree, and I know that’s not a comforting thing. But I think it challenges in a way that is good in the long run.

For example, you mentioned a partner told you something about their past that bothered you. You kept focusing on it and couldn’t let go/work through it, so it changed the way you saw him. I think what the truth revealed was could you deeply love him regardless of what he did in his past (especially if you believe he was different at a later time), was he truly the person for you, were you able to analyze what he told you and gain some clarity as to why it continued to bother you…or if it really should?

That is -not- a comfortable process and people want to avoid that understandably so, but again it reveals truth, strength, inner feelings/values and emotions…and it establishes authenticity.

A friend (of the past), several years ago, told me in private that she learned about her boyfriend’s past. He opened up to her later on in the relationship. She was with her boyfriend for 4 years and she felt they were very close and could discuss anything. Eventually, after watching American History X and getting into a discussion about one scene, he revealed to her, that when he was younger, he had been raped by a couple of boys, who were sons of his mother’s boyfriend.

The rapes would happen often and he’d be coerced into them, being the youngest of the boys. Eventually, she said he mentioned that he became confused by the acts once he turned 12. He started to experiment and engage in the acts on his own and stopped when he was 14.

After he told her this, she admitted to me that she had been so affected by what he revealed and needed someone to talk to. She also said although she felt bad for him and saw the experiences as tragic, she started to wonder about his sexuality and if he had some repressed attraction for men. I asked her why and she said because he decided to “turn the rape into experimentation”. I found out that they eventually broke up a few months later as a result. She didn’t trust his sexuality and I think there was some part of her that felt that men who were abused (even without the experimentation part) were less masculine and partially at fault for “letting” rape occur because it’s hard for society to see boys and men as victims when compared to girls and women. It’s not uncommon for a lot of people to feel this way although it’s controversial and shameful to admit.

Should he have revealed the experimental part of his past or the abuse altogether? They seemed to be getting along fine before this but this admission caused conflict, shame, doubt and fear.

I think it was for the best. There are women who would hear his admission and not react the same way. They’d handle it differently; make him feel more comfortable in admitting, speaking about it further and getting out feelings on his experiences and so forth. She was not cut out to see her way through any of that, so the intimacy was not able to go any deeper.

I imagine that they might have stayed together longer if he didn’t admit any of that (all of him; his present AND his PAST), but again, he needed someone who could hear and deal with that. I felt for her…I did. But inside, I also felt it created some Taoism, so to speak.

I think the same way about other aspects of sexual pasts, including sleeping with prostitutes, threesomes and so forth. There are people out there who don’t care or aren’t bothered by certain admissions. They possess the right energy for certain people who might have a particular past that otherwise wouldn’t be accepted by someone else.

It’s up to each person to decide how deep and authentic they want their relationship to be. You must decide how vulnerable you feel you can be in your relationship in order to facilitate a feeling of comfort, trust and kinship. Who are you with? What can they handle? How strong is the relationship? What are you and your partner’s deepest convictions, beliefs and values?

I then thought further and realized that of course this topic is very complex and while I do totally stand by what I said, I know that there are some other issues that come into play regarding being open and very intimate. I DO realize this and I don’t think one should be open with just ANYONE until they are very sure, know they can trust and that the person is worth it and has decent character and maturity. Some things are just foolhardy. You can never know for sure, but that’s where instincts, attention and mindfulness come in to help decide these things.

I also think it’s telling if someone isn’t willing to open up as much as you are willing to at the same time. It could mean several things, some of those things implicating slow caution, but sometimes it means that you could be with someone that wants you to give them leverage over you through vulnerability.

Some people might not want to reveal elements of themselves or their past completely for these reasons:

1. Afraid of someone knowing so much about you and not knowing if a relationship with that person will last “forever”. Once you part with that person, they possess knowledge of many of your secrets.
2. As an extension of the aforementioned, when you share so much of yourself, you give the other person a certain level of importance, and in some cases, power. Will they use this information against you later on either during the relationship or if you wind up parting?
3. Afraid of looking flawed, weak, immoral and/or hypocritical.
4. As I mentioned somewhat in my response to this woman, there’s the issue of confronting feelings of shame, old demons, guilt and self-judgment. If some dredge up their pasts, they are afraid of disturbing the seemingly dead beneath the burial ground. Not everyone deals with their past experiences and decisions or comes to peace with them head on. They are stuffers. So as they go on with their lives and develop into another self-view, they don’t want anything being revealed or confronted to remind them of a self-view that clashes with their current one…and again they certainly don’t want to play these dramas out before someone else if they can barely do it through self-disclosure. I notice that in this struggle, some people might claim to be non-regretful of their past and even proud of it, yet they react in this manner with fear if someone very close wants to know about general details of their past. Culpability adds more to this tangled web.

Whatever we do NOW, we better be prepared to OWN it later. If not, decide why you are doing what you are doing.

I also think that some people really are impaired when it comes to being emotionally honest. They might have grown up in a family where metaphorically, closed doors in a hallway are fine, normal and expected. So when someone finally comes into their life to challenge that, they freak out, get defensive, become even more secretive to maintain control and get angry or shut down.

Again a complex issue…

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I love this somber and melancholy short track by Royksopp. It’s from their album The Understanding, which is very good. It is called “Tristesse Globale”. Someone created or edited a video on YouTube using the song as a backdrop. I’d have different ideas for a video, but it’s the only video on the site where the track is played. The track is also available on my MySpace profile music playlist:

When I listen to it, the video evokes the overwhelming sensations of inevitable loss, suffocating sadness and consuming despair. The emotions are inescapable and fixed, making you utterly sick and ill with them. You can barely breathe or absorb the onslaught of feelings. Tears flow like the crashing, theatrical waters of a rebellious ocean. There’s no rescue or horizon of release. Everything else disappears and waves of inexplicable pain wash over and the colorless night seems like it will last literally forever.

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