Current Mood: Motivated
I haven’t done much writing for self lately and I feel so much better when I do it. I think I will do this more often by either keeping some private entries with this journal or using one of my other journals to write in for self-actualization and insight.
It is scary to suddenly realize that the room you are in is much much bigger than you imagined. It can be interesting in the sense that you get to explore more territory and discover new things, but it is uncomfortable because now you are challenged to get acquainted in a completely new environment, or the structure of one, than one you’ve been used to. The environment you’ve been in has even been a part of shaping how you self-define. With a new room structure or expansion, you have to redefine yourself in very demanding ways. It requires strength, bravery, honesty and assertion. Most people are very uncomfortable with that - highly so. They’d rather pretend as if the room they are in is the same when it is not or deny that any extension exists or could exist. They’d rather stay stagnant and limited in growth. So the world and self becomes defined very static designs.
Yes change and growth along with self-realization is very disquieting and even terrifying sometimes for some, but I’d rather face that than to remain repressed and in constant delusion…holding onto this as a religion of some sort. That to me is terrifying. I can’t bring myself to accept that kind of limitation or ignorance and I can’t naturally see staying in it once I’ve seen more of something. How could I?
I seriously can’t see a meaningful life without self-insight, growth and awareness…because everything you’d stand for, believe, know or claim would be based on nothing. You are just going through the motions and prentending there’s a strong and fitting identity but it’s just a constant state of identity moratorium or at most it’s need to feel secure and safe, but again this kind of security can be stifling, smothering and even destructive. I believe a life purpose can’t be defined or realized in this state either. Well one that is truly one’s own. Your choices can’t ever be the right fit because to know is to harmoniously choose. I believe this is each person’s journey, or at least it should be…however it develops and wherever it leads for them uniquely…but it should be a journey and challenge we all have the courage to face nonetheless.
If I had to say what my purpose (or purposes) in life was…I’d say it was to create, invent, learn and inspire…generally put. I state this generally because there are many concrete ways in which I can do these things. I do sense a strong writer’s path within and I haven’t fully tapped into that as I’ve always wanted. I wrote more in the past with utter compulsiveness but over time, that slowed down and I got distracted by other things - basically the calls of society/trying to make a way and fit within this machine, this network, this system. I’ve always known that I’ve been drawn to creative expression, art and so forth and I know that I have a spiritual purpose. I can define my path of purpose to this degree so far but I still need to invest more time to myself to further define and carve. I am not confused or ignorant of my direction and the elements of my purpose. It is this…
I have a lot of energy…it’s very intense and it’s explosive, however, it’s all over the place and I need to harness it. So it’s a blessing and a “curse” all at once. I know this.
I also know that some things about myself will continue to alienate me from many people when it comes to connecting on a deep level. I can easily be frustrated due to this and I know I can get quite impatient but as someone mentioned to me lately and validated what I knew, (and this is true) my challenge is then to learn how to communicate and relate to some people in a way in which my expression is best understood and to not assume my view is automatically decoded or even shared. Not everything is quantum in nature for most people and I have to remember this. I guess in my own way, I can struggle with intolerance. This is nothing but awareness to admit and realize…without any ego or agenda to brag or illuminate myself in a boastful manner. This is just my reality and my experience and I know it will continue to be…but I am interested in continuing to broaden my horizons and my communication abilities.
The beginning of the year is the beginning of the year, but psychologically it’s a nice way to highlight or revisit goals, so I will do this and I look forward to that.
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