The Asymptotic Faery - The Writings of Allyson N. Jason

Current Mood: Curious & Introspective

…and no, I don’t mean one of those “housewives” on the reality TV series on Bravo.

I mean a real housewife.

For those who aren’t housewives, have you ever wanted to be a housewife? What’s your perception of a housewife?

To me a housewife is someone who takes care of the home and her partner. She establishes and tends to household chores, plans events and outings, helps establish a fiscal budget, looks after the children (if there are any), cooks and prepares meals, and keeps herself educated, resourceful, and involved in cultivating a home both in a literal sense and in spirit.

I’ve thought about it, actually. I think according to what I perceive a housewife to traditionally be and function as, I’d make a good housewife.  I have a strong nurturing instinct and I love doing creative, crafty, and culinary things around the house.  I see myself as an every-learning, DIY naturopath as well. I enjoy learning overall, and that’s a great trait for homesteading and nurturing. I bring a lot to that table, for the sake or argument.

I’m good at planning stuff and coming up with tons of ideas, and I’m naturally supportive and very involved in a partnership.

However, I have also wondered if I’d be fulfilled living my life as a housewife.

My maternal grandmother was one and I’ve heard that she was wonderful at it. She could sew and make clothes that looked like they were bought out of any quality store, cook and bake like a seasoned chef, knew tons of different arts and crafts, could sing and play the piano gracefully, and she loved tending to her house with husband and seven children.

They owned a farm and raised lots of animals and grew many fruits and vegetables on their land, so canning, pickling, and the like were common traditions. She also made her own soaps and lotions.

My grandmoher was definitely a pioneer woman of her time and I look fondly at that and who she was, although I never got a chance to know her, as she died before I was born. But her legacy lives on in the memory of the rest of my family when they speak of her and what she was like.

I know there are some housewives who run home businesses and make somewhat of a living, to add to the total income pool and their own separate accounts (I think that’s a good thing to do), but then I still wonder if that would be something I’d like.

I guess I still struggle to know what I want in some areas of my life I can surprise myself, sometimes. I want a fulfilling career, but then I sometimes find myself, oddly enough, thinking about this sort of housewife path and wondering what it would be like. I admire women like my grandmother too, just as much as I do women who are successful at careers outside the home. Although unusual for me to consider “housewivery,” I figure there must be a reason for my thoughts occasionally floating into such an arena.

I also think that if a woman is a housewife, she needs to have a very emotionally mature and assertive man as a husband who respects the role she plays in their relationship/marriage…and respects her. He’d need to see her as part of a team, an equal but distinctive part. A complement.

They both would.

This requires a lot of trust and mutual vulnerability on both parts, especially the woman’s. She plays a vital role but in other ways there’s a lot to lose if the man can’t be trusted and has no integrity.

There are too many men who get off on ego-trips and use situations like this to dominate women and maintain control, simply because they make the money. That would be nightmarish to be stuck in a situation like that with such a toxic person.

I also think some men have no clue of what it means to have a housewife as a partner. They have very lurid and distorted views on what she should do and sometimes those expectations and ideas are demeaning and sexist rather than healthy, complementary, respectful, and appreciative.

Maybe some people never thought housewives were meant to be respected. I don’t know.

Here’s a link I found on guidelines to being a housewife, perhaps it will help to give some idea to what a housewife tends to generally do. According to this link, housewives do a LOT. In fact, it looks like they are responsible for the bulk of responsibilities and chores outside of making the money. There’s a lot to attend to in such a list. Some people assume housewives just sit up and attend tea parties all day long and shop.

LINK: How to be a Housewife.

I think I’d refer to that kind of wife as a “kept” wife (one who just spends money, shops and doesn’t do much homesteading), but not a housewife. I would say there’s a difference between those two roles. Well, that’s the way I see it.

Do you think today less men are desirous of housewives as mates?

Hmmm…not sure. I guess I would say that nowadays less men are for a few reasons. I think because more women are making their own money and the dynamics have changed with more women entering into workplaces outside the home, the standards and expectations have changed between the sexes.

While it’s become more accepting and supportive of women choosing a variety of careers outside of being a home caretaker (which is good as women should have that choice), I think that women who still choose to be housewives today might get lumped into negative perceptions.

I admit that when I was younger, I had negative views, too. They were naive and ignorant. I assumed that women who stayed home and took care of the house and kids (if there were any) were letting men control them and could do nothing else (such as being career women). Now that might be the case in some setups like this, but certainly not all and I foolishly believed more in that idea as a rule, rather than exception.

But now I totally think differently.

I also think men aren’t making as much money these days to take care of two or more people.

Double Income No Kids (DINK) relationships are seen as desirable today, in fact, in some circles, they’re ideal. People find that with their partners working, too, they can make twice as much money together, enjoy more of the income, and have less responsibility spending it mostly on kids.

Some men actually start to resent and lose respect for their wives if they desire to be housewives, because they hate feeling like they’re the only ones who should work in today’s more challenging and higher-cost-of-living economy, even if the woman pulls her weight in other ways that contribute to the relationship (living together). People are too scared to let the money-earning be left to one person in case something happens (loss of job, divorce, affair, death).

I don’t think a lot women and men today know what it is like to have that kind of relationship where the woman is a homesteader and the man works for a living for the most part. Misconceptions, changed society and economy, different gender politics, and the like, have made things very different in this regard. Plus, divorce rates have increased a great deal…

I think the idea of a home and a family unit has to be healthy and holistic in order to make such a partnership thrive. I am not so confident that in today’s times, people have healthy views of home, community, and family anymore. There’s too much dysfunction.

It is important for a woman to be more attractive than average, as an asset to bring to the table, if she’s looking to get into a partnership that respects her choice to be a housewife?

I think people confuse being a kept wife (a trophy wife) with being a housewife. Housewives CAN also be trophy wives, but trophy wives aren’t synonymous with housewives.

As a result of this confusion, both men and women feel that if a woman is not going to work outside the home, then she better be something mighty special to claim that role and that often means being exceptionally attractive.

Again with many men having no clue as to what housewives are, they feel that housewives are there to do their bidding and to simply look good. The women are treated as assets rather than equals in a partnership, so this comes down to sexual lifestyle agreements in exchange for good living that the man can provide for the woman. I would say looks matter more so than ever in this sort of relationship.

I will say though, that if a man and woman even agree to this sort of relationship where the woman is “kept” and plays more of a “trophy status” and the man is the provider, and it works for them, then so be it.

If they can both respect and accept that arrangement, then who am I to judge?

These are just my views and opinions. I am sure there are some that might agree or disagree.

As a man, would you want your wife to be a housewife?

For those who are housewives, what is your life like and do you feel being a housewife is fulfilling?

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Current Mood: Introspective

Take a straw.
Poke a hole into my scalp
Dip it in very deep
Sip me
Drink me
Drain me
Until I’m dry and empty
Crack open my head
Eat the tender bloodless meat
Clinging to the walls
Or shred me
Grate me
Into fine flakes
Or leave me be
String me up high
Far up a tropical tree
Hanging by a broken wilted neck
With a tilted coconut head

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Current Mood: Curious & Introspective & Thoughtful

Do you believe some people are more fortunate than others or do you think people create their own luck? In your opinion, are some people cursed?

I believe yes to both. I believe, regardless of whether we like it or not, some people are more fortunate and in far more advantageous positions than others for whatever reason and based on different perspectives. That doesn’t mean people in those positions will lead a better life or will be happier, but they have some things only others can dream of or that others work very hard for.

I think first we have to define what luck or fortune is. It means something different to everyone and our definition of luck is not always going to be a linear one. It can be a multifaceted definition in itself depending on what we need, want or value at the moment or what our circumstances are in life. Values change or we evolve and suddenly we might not look at certain things, people or situations as desirous or lucky any longer.

Someone’s inability to keep weight on very easily can be some form of misfortune if they become gravely ill and need the extra body reserves suddenly.

Some man or woman’s very long hair might be the death or disfigurement of them, if caught in the wrong circumstances in a hot tub’s drains and jets or some industrial machine in a manufacturing plant.

Although some might argue with this (especially those who grew up very poor and struggling), it might be unfortunate for someone to grow up incredibly rich and be handed everything as as child and as a result, he/she has no clue how to function as an autonomous hard-working and balanced adult. They might develop very destructive coping skills and addictions to handle their inadequacies and insecurities even though it looks like they are living a grand life. They might truly have internal problems that run far deeper than what they appear to be to everyone else observing. But I also see the devil’s advocate from some people, “Boohoo, poor little rich girl or boy! Why don’t they try living my life and past and see how they can take it!” I do know that is how some feel because their experiences are so different and they believe they’ve had it much harder in life…were less fortunate/lucky.

So the crystal continues to have many cuts or faces on it.

And then there’s the idea that everyone that has something or many things we value are living a so-called charmed life. Sometimes people who want others to believe they are living a charmed life hide their problems and dysfunctions. They won’t show people that dark face…that broken side. So you are left to see all the glittery stuff so they can believe themselves that they too live this charmed life. It is true that in some cases like this all that glitters isn’t gold. While someone might have the riches, fame, connection(s), relationship, looks or anything that we want/value, they might have some other very unfortunate things they could be dealing with that none of us peering in can truly see or would ever want. A little different than the example further above about wealth because these demons might not be a result of their supposed luck, but rather another side that people just don’t see or aren’t meant to see by efforts of the “charmed one” him or herself.

I know that -we each- can be looked at as living a charmed life depending on where the observer of each one of us stands. We all have something that someone else values for themselves. I know I take many things for granted. Life can look so dark at times where light is hard to recognize, but I forget that there are others who might look at my life and wish for some elements in it that at the moment, I don’t remember to value.

I always think about that too and it’s a difficult feeling to be at peace with. I’ve been told before, “Do you realize what others are going through elsewhere? Things could be worse. There are people…(insert any horrible tragedy/condition here)”

The reality is, this is very true and it always makes a good point, but then I think, do my feelings of frustration or depression not matter in their own right? Is it not possible that I too, regardless of what others might experience far worse, can feel pain or dissatisfaction?

I seem to want to justify that because if everyone asked that question, we’d all have reasons to be completely happy at any time…always appreciative…always aware that we have many things to value that can give us hope and happiness…as there is always someone worse off than each of us. And again remember the subjectivity in what being worse off or less fortunate is. That would be an endless wonderful pot of thought-wealth to use anytime we needed it wouldn’t it? Instant mood enhancer and the perfect drug.

While someone is agonizing over the riches that someone else has and has always wanted in their own life, another person might look at the sufferer and go, “I just don’t get it! Why do they care so much about material things?? I am perfectly happy with my simple living and I actually feel I have a lot of wealth in the connections I have with loved ones and my experiences. They are making themselves miserable over nothing. Poor soul.”

Someone else won’t get why another person goes to great lengths to torture their mind, body and soul as well as pocketbooks over looking “perfect” because they never felt beautiful enough in life for whatever reason. The observer of this sufferer will think, “OK I might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I am just fine with how I look even though I know I have imperfections. I accept that I won’t please everyone and I will never try to. It’s impossible. I look forward to other things in life and I can appreciate my own unique traits and know that I don’t need the entire world of men or women to find me beautiful.”

Another thing I always find interesting is how we always like to think in black or white terms with people, to make ourselves feel better, although it sometimes DOES apply. Someone can’t be everything…smart, beautiful, rich, successful, perfect relationship, great friends and wonderful career. Something has got to give…if he or she has this, they can’t have that. And some people take comfort in assuming that formula. lol

But although no one is “perfect” some people DO have it better in some regards which goes back to why I think yes some people are just luckier based on what any person’s value system is.

As for “cursed”, I am not sure what I think about that. That opens up a completely different subject all of its own.

Regarding creating luck (remembering some things I’ve read in Outliers which I recommend reading as it deals with the topic of success and luck), I think it is important that we each try to create the fortune we want in life…whatever it is that we value. Some of us will have to work harder or do things differently just to get or establish what someone else has by default.

Also although we each suffer in our own right still look at the connections you have and value them. Not everyone has them. Some people are far more alone, unloved or unwanted.

Look at the situation you are in…some people might be struggling harder financially than you are…no place to live, not sure when they’ll next eat, no clean shelter or medical resources.

Some might have it “better” but if we focus within and keep sight on where we want to go or what we want, as fortune, then we can begin to appreciate ourselves more and where we’re going.

Hmmm…another part of me wonders how we can also ever get out of the comparison game. Is comparing any better when it is to make ourselves feel better no matter how benign the effort appears to be? How is that different than comparing to make ourselves feel worse?

How do we become accepting and at peace without any game of comparison at all…intrinsically? Is that possible? Is this where “ignorance is bliss” truly advantageous? Let’s say we couldn’t find someone worse off than us in a given condition or circumstance, what do you do then to make yourself feel better about where you are and what you have? How do you accept or appreciate without an element of comparison being involved? The comparison factor does come in for everyone on many levels. It’s hard to eradicate no matter how much we say we are blind to the game of it. Any one of us has thrown out a statement about how much better we are compared to someone else for whatever reason.

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Current Mood: Sad

Michael Jackson was brilliant, insanely talented and he left an indelible, inimitable, phenomenal, revolutionary and surreal mark on the face of entertainment and music…forever. No matter what you feel or interpret about the personal life he led, this is inarguable.

It’s so easy to call him a freak, a nut bar, a lunatic, a black sellout, a child molester (without any conclusive and solid facts in cases that were actually shown to involve some families who lied and extorted) a crazed individual, but none of us led his extremely surreal and abnormal lifestyle since he was a wee child. Also put into motion that he was -obviously- a very ultra sensitive individual who never got treatment for any of the traumatizing things he faced growing up and that he continued to face ALL in the public spotlight. He essentially lived almost all of his life in the public eye. He was affected by things most people probably easily get over…take for granted and don’t even/ever experience at all.

I’d like to see how many would be so stable and well put together in such a context of nature and circumstances.

He magically transformed on stage to ALL regardless of what one preferred musically…showing confidence and a powerful presence especially during the zenith of his career, but once he was offstage, he was said to be a completely different person. Shy, soft spoken, withdrawn, reclusive, insecure, obsessed, broken, damaged, removed, lonely and highly misunderstood and unknown to most on a very personal level. This has been said and seen by so many who were around him during his life to varying degrees. It is being said NOW. We could all see how troubled he was and increasingly became we grew up with him through media view. No doubt he became mentally ill creating a complete world or fantasy for himself.

It’s also obvious that he was very isolated and alone emotionally. He mentioned this to Uri Geller, in interviews and to other friends who spoke of him during conversations on television. He really needed help. I think we can all agree with that. He -really- needed help…and that should have been offered to him much earlier on before it became a point of no return. I can’t say how I would have been if I led his life. Even compared to other celebs, he really stood out in the immense fame he carried, regardless of the notorious edge it developed later around the 90s.

He suffered long and hard and although his talent was shared with the world as a result of his entry into entertainment so early on, it essentially cost him the possibility of having a long and healthy life emotionally and mentally.  Was he destined to become famous regardless of what path he took or that was forced upon him, or could he have led another life and turned out much differently as a person? More stable, married and with family, living in normality but recognized at most by close friends and family for his talent?

I truly believe he became asexual. Don’t think he was this way at first. I don’t think he continue to hold a true attraction to anyone on a romantic level and the few dates and relationships he had were experiments and attempts to try to normalize his life but were inevitably doomed from the start. I mean he had the potential to bed a lot of women earlier on in his career if he wanted to but he didn’t (at least of what we know) and we certainly never heard of any attractions to and pursuits of men.

I think he was intensively obsessed with children because the company of children is often untainted and non-judgmental. Children make you forget about all of your troubles, worries and the world at large. It seems he considered children his best allies and inspiration. He was fascinated and personally identified with Peter Pan. He wanted to be a child forever…and looking at his past…one can understand why. I think his emotional growth stopped somewhere earlier on in childhood. He NEVER led any semblance of a normal childhood that most of us lead or would classify as normal. I think he froze in time here and carried this with him into adulthood where it warped his perception of self and identity. Did he molest children as part of this development, feeling mentally that children were even suitable romantic interests along with platonic playmates? I honestly can’t say I am -positively- sure but I just do not believe he went that route and this is not delusion on my part or not wanting to see him as a pedophile. I accept that people can become flawed and do harm…even those we admire from early on for talent…because they are human…

but there is no and never was any hard proof. Plus I believe more in what I said further above.

Being asexual, obsessed with children and wanting to forever be young and childlike oneself, having a fixation with being genderless and raceless…is not something the world will understand, tolerate or accept from a grown black man regardless of what physical abuse he put himself through with OBVIOUS issues of body dysmorphia. He made all of the wrong choices which didn’t help to lessen the suspicions that people had about his affairs with children or of his nature overall. Again, we including myself, don’t really know the -absolute- truth but these are -my- views.

I think the comforting thing now is that he is finally in and at peace. His body and soul were obviously very tired…

Current Track Playing: “Gone Too Song” (Dangerous Album)

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Current Mood: Happy

“What do you miss about being a kid?”

I think I miss being so naive to things in a way that caused me to look at the world in pure unadulterated wonder that only a true child could. There are many firsts during childhood that create extremely fragrant memories.

I look at many things still in that child-like wonder, but it is mixed in with some adult sensibilities that are inevitably developed as one ages.

I also miss the lack of adult responsibilities and being with my family the way I was when I was little. I have so many fond memories of going places, seeing and doing things in the stage of childhood. I also remember the world seeming so much bigger and mysterious. Everyone was older than me it seemed. The “future” definitely seemed more like a playground…a big unknown that you gave some acknowledgment to but never worried about…because you had all the time in the world.

Oh the world definitely still seems big and mysterious to me but again when you are a child, it really does make for a unique once-in-a-lifetime perspective. There’s only a short while to be a child. In this day and age, this is a fact that isn’t respected a great deal. Children want to rush into adulthood so quickly and this society encourages that a great deal without realizing the consequences. Children are often pushed into very adult roles and responsibilities earlier on and that is OK to so many.

I’ve managed to carry so many qualities of my inner child with me into adulthood and this really shapes the way I choose to do and approach so many things as an adult. It affects how I create, my artistic style, my aesthetic values, the insatiable and intense level of persistent streak of curiosity in my nature, the desire I have to explore and learn and to experience so many things in my lifetime.

It makes me look at everyday things and subjects in new ways which leads to “aha” moments and tingles of my own brand of enlightenment. It makes me appreciate the simplicity of life.

It makes me come up with my own definitions of normality, of joy and even madness. It makes me develop a world of my own especially during times when I most need that security, comfort and imaginative stimulation.

It makes me want to play and share joy with others.

It makes me want to make the world a better place.

It makes me want to inspire and continuously be inspired.

It keeps me young in spirit.

So while I miss some very distinctive delights of childhood. I look forward to the continuation of celebrating that spirit in adulthood.

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Current Mood: Motivated

I wish there were more places and opportunities for adults to indulge in recess activities that they participated in as children.

I don’t know why we have to abandon these fun things as we become older. As adults, we often feel a need to “get to the gym” when we want physical activities in our lives and some of us will step out of the gym to go for walks once in awhile, but I miss these activities that I often played when younger: I truly do not believe that the activities below have to only be activities for grade school children.

Four Square
Handball
Tetherball
Kickball
Softball
Paddleball (the sport, like Racquetball)
Dodgeball
Hopscotch
Hide-and-Seek
Water Balloon Fights
Tag / Freeze Tag / Hospital
Four Corners
Jump rope  /Chinese Jump Rope (totally remember this!) / Double Dutch
Cake Walk (during special events)
Relay Racing

and much more.

I have to jog my memory for most of the other games I played as a kid.

Kids would come back in after lunch and morning recess very sweaty and tired. These games were an awesome way to work out naturally and it was pure fun. No one thought about “getting exercise” or “burning calories” or anything of the sort. It was just about getting out and enjoying ourselves out on the “blacktop”.

I definitely think this is missing in adulthood. The absence of activities like these limits us to unnatural ways of working out that often feel like monotonous, boring and tiresome obligatory chores. I think if we participated in more natural ways to be active, we’d see a great change in the way we define and fall into being fit as grownups. I certainly still like going to gym once in awhile but I really ache for very organic activities most of the time. It’s just more intuitive and I’d feel much more inspired to get out and do something physical regularly.

I also think that such games always sparked creativity and imagination. Kids would make up rules to some of these traditional childhood games or create new games period. I certainly remember I did.  LOL

For example, I made up my own techniques in handball. One technique was called “buttercup”. The hit would involve “getting” the ball at the right time after the other person hit it against the wall, and bouncing it three times with one hand before hitting it back against the wall for the other person to hit again. You’d score more points this way if the game was being based on a point system. Soon I had many other kids on the playground talking about the buttercup move. LOL It became a standard for some games settings/rules although very few knew I started it. Others created their own rules and hits too.

I would also play hours by myself with tetherball and handball, because these could and would be solitary games too. I loved every minute of this and I certainly miss it.

I think it would be awesome to start an “adult recess” club like this someday where groups of people could join up and play these games in a dedicated areas often.

I certainly feel that as adults we need to continue the glory of recess games and activities.

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Current Mood: Introspective & Motivated & Thoughtful

If you could snap your fingers and make the life of your dreams instantly appear, exactly what would that life look like? While you’re working so diligently to move forward, do you have a clear and detailed definition of where you intend to go?

An essential part of achieving what you desire is to know exactly what it is. Unfortunately, the people and events in your world often discourage and dissuade you from seriously considering your own ideas for what life at its best can be.

If you’re not diligent about exploring and clarifying your own authentic desires, the world will impose its pre-packaged, shallow and empty desires upon your life. This can leave you frustrated, discouraged and unfulfilled as you strive to work toward goals that have no real meaning for you.

On a regular basis, allow your desires to come bubbling to the surface, so you can more fully understand them and connect with them. Enjoy the fact that there are things for which you truly long, and know that there is a path to every one of them.

Let your vision of what life can be pull you consistently toward its fulfillment. When you are clear about what you seek and why, you’ll gain access to the resources and the strategies that will enable you to achieve it.

Instead of suppressing your desires or placing judgments on them, make yourself more and more familiar with their substance. Put real meaning in your life by giving life and energy to the things that mean most to you.

– Ralph Marston

My thoughts:

I had to share this. This is so very well said. I believe in all of it wholeheartedly, have expressed this truth in a variety of ways through journal entries and creative messages. These are beliefs that I personally live and feel strongly moved by.

I think everyone should live by these beliefs of authenticity for each person can then discover their own truth, path and desires.

Not an easy road to take but it is liberating when you trust in the journey of this kind of exploration.

You begin to see YOU and with each new level of growth and confidence, living in delusional becomes less and less of an option.

I especially find the last paragraph quite potent. I think this is where most people feel the power of fear strongest.

How many of us shadowbox in ways that we are unaware of? We might find, in some cases, that some of the things that evoke the strongest negative reactions (hate, violence, judgment, disgust, resentment, fear and so on) in us might be things that hold some desire or curiosity….things that, if we can become bold enough to confront with the most brutal brand of self-objective honesty, might reveal some aspect of our true nature.

Why are we so afraid of that path to freedom?

Is there true freedom in darkness and delusion? What can we see if we truly become bare to ourselves? How might our lives, beliefs and convictions change? Our desires? Our purposes for living?

Sometimes those changes might compel us to make very difficult sacrifices. In some cases, this might be a long-invested career or even a marriage or long-term partnership. The person we become might not match up to commitments we’ve made in the past because those decisions were made in darkness…while we wore masks.

This is where some people might feel the need to hold on to delusion because it’s too painful to suddenly see so much change and “loss” even if it means we find/gain our true selves in the process.

This is hard for everyone.

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Current Mood: Indescribable & Introspective

Yesterday I was thinking of the subject of happiness. I wonder if sensitivity and happiness are directly related. I think so.

I am able to create moments of “happiness” where I take pleasure in the most simplest of things and where I make connections between the dissimilar. I can be very creative in my perspectives to where I am able to create my own worlds and wholly exist in them. But I admit that sometimes I can allow those worlds to become nightmares of some sort where sinister faces and scenes appear around every corner and sweet, pure and playful things aren’t exactly as wonderful as they seem. This happens if I let it because there are so many ways to perceive when you let in a variety of triggers (”changing agents” or perhaps “malevolent bottles of dyes”) and when invisible shape-shifter entities are seen only when they take on a specific form or identity.

Sometimes you find that those shape-shifters are many sly copies of yourself.

I just had a random thought. Looked outside of my window just now and saw a tall cluster of trees that has been there for as long as I can remember. Their branches and leaves are swaying in the windy atmosphere. I thought to myself, “These are someone’s veins.” I also began to think that sometimes a hyper-manifestation of details is very sickening…

Where is the blood? Is the blood air? Is the blood represented by any place water exists?

I recently got this vision of being in an eerily silent hallway full of doors on each side. The doors are semi-transparent to where I can see the movement of shadows behind them but no clarity. The end of the hallway shows a panel of two doors, also partially transparent, no knobs, with the out pour of muted bright light. I turn away from the end of the hallway as there is no way to open up the panel. Each time I look for a door handle, a shadowed body showing from behind the panel copies my movement.

I look around at the hallway doors and go to open up one door. I see giant legs and feet shuffling back and forth as I peer in. When I look up, the legs continue upwards forever with no connected body in sight. But they continue to fidget and as they do I can hear dancing sounds that mimic the effects of empty plastic bottles continually falling down on a surface.

I close the door and look across the hallway to approach another door. I can see thick and clear liquid oozing out of the seams of the doorway. The smell is slightly noxious but induces a euphoric feeling each time I deeply inhale and the pleasure makes me quickly envision fading scenarios of bundled shapes and patterns. I open the door and a huge eye is revealed. The eyeball bulges out of the doorway further, quivering and unable to blink while releasing more of that slimy thick clear liquid from the edges.

I feel this urge to punch the eye in the middle of the pupil. Once I do this, the eye pops like a balloon that has just received a sharp pin prick, and releases the sound of a woman’s coquettish laugh. The door closes and the knob disappears with the ting of a bell.

I decide to open another door but as I stand in front of it, something doesn’t feel right. I feel as if this is the wrong door to open…ever. I open the door anyway and a gigantic head of a penis pops through the entryway. The meatus is very large and stretchy and as I stare into its tunnel, I find myself immediately sucked into its passage.  As my body is enveloped by the opening, I feel waves of insane pleasure.

The penis passage appears to be another hallway, a fleshy and spongy hallway. I go further into the passage and with each step I hear the combined sounds of pops and erotic male moans at many pitches. The pitches deepen as I move toward the end of the tunnel. There is a throbbing, bulbous and round wad of veiny flesh at the end. A voice emanates from it and asks me if I know madness. The voice is incredibly low-pitched and threatening in delivery. I answer to it that I know madness and I hear a loud gasp. Before I know it, a long arm fronted with a big tightened fist comes through the flesh knob and punches me in the face to where both of my eyes are damaged. I throw my hands to my face and over my eyes in horror and in pain…and I can feel wetness and pieces of delicate tissue seep through the cracks of my fingers. My legs and feet shift back and forth as I try to bear the pain.

The voice continues to speak to me but I have no idea what it is saying. The language is obscure and like nothing I’ve ever heard before. The voice gets louder and I can feel the interior walls of the penis tightening around my body. They are closing in. I can’t move. My body is frozen in the position of tragic agony. The voice tells me to let go many times and “see”. I ignore it knowing that I can’t move or that I can no longer see due to the damage and mutilation to my eyes. But it continues to tell me to let go and see. I scream in frustration and horror and struggle to do something. Anything. The voice continues to pressure me into submission to its commands. The walls get so tight around my body that I feel I will explode open into a bloody and bony mess.

To my shock, another voice yells out my name and it sounds like my own voice as I strain to make sense of it at first. My voice is also telling me to let go and see. I scream out for help but I realize that this makes no sense. My voice from afar tells me that if I don’t let go and see, that I will die and find myself fragmenting into a million pieces, scattered around many worlds never feeling complete or whole no matter how hard I search and look. Each found piece will immediately unlock a new lost piece somewhere else thus continuing the hellish nightmare.

I fight to open my eyes and let go of the tight sensation that continues to envelop around my body. I find that I can begin to see something although my hands are in the same position. I find that I begin to feel free although the walls of the penile passage still tighten around me.

As this new vision comes into focus, I notice that I am in a blue warehouse room. A naked baby is sitting upright in the middle of the room staring at me with very wide doll-like eyes. The color of its eyes cannot be made out as they appear to constantly change in hue far too fast for perception to take hold of.

The baby hiccups and falls over and reveals a propped mirror behind it. I lean down to see what is in the reflection of the mirror. The reflection is of a large nude infant leaning over to peer unto itself. The eyes are alert, expressive and full of bewildered curiosity…

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Current Mood: Introspective & Motivated

What are you truly capable of doing? How far can you take your abilities, skills and intelligence?

This question made me think a bit earlier on what I like to call, “Mastery of Potential”. I’ve always been intensely fascinated by what you can get your mind to do and how far you can push it. I don’t think many people come anywhere close to seeing what they can truly get their minds to accomplish.

I coined th phrase, “Mastery of Potential” for myself several years ago. Mastery of potential is an act of expanding your mind’s abilities as far as possible in order to see what you can accomplish, thus discovering and mastering your true potential.

For short, i like to call this act “Mopping”. If someone wants to train themselves in this manner, then they desire “to MOP” or “mop”.

When “mopping” you would be exerting yourself to see and do the same things in as many ways as you can so that many areas of your brain can be developed and stretched.

Let’s take an artist as an example. A traditional artist who paints and draws.

This artist is a master in painting and illustrating urban/metropolitan scenes. He or she has become very adept at capturing the common denominator of the general feeling and look of big city environments. Keep in mind that what sets this artist apart from the average person in perception here is that the average person in a such a cityscape takes their surroundings for granted. If this average city person was shown a picture of a city scene, they’d be able to point out that the scene was indeed a typical metropolitan scene with typical city elements and usual city motifs, but they would not be able to reproduce this visual understanding in an art piece like the example expert artist could.
Now although this artist has become an expert in this facet of art, there are still MANY ways that he/she are able to creatively apply their intimate visual familiarity of city environments. Basically, there are a “millions” ways you can apply a knowledge in a given area… if you truly wanted to test yourself.

• The artist can look at fashions often on display in urban environments and be inspired to come up with fashions that take on a city vibe. The artist would start to pay attention to even more minute details in city environments which includes what people are wearing and how they wear it.
• The artist can look at the type of shapes, objects and colors that are typically thematic of a city and design sculpture, jewelry, furniture that takes on that likeness. This would get the artist to truly know the nature of how furniture is constructed, how forms are three dimensionally built with clay, metal or any other material and how accessories are stylized and created in a multitude of ways.
• The artist can come up with theme and plots for stories that are set in urban environments with unique situations, characterizations and conflicts that are totally based on urban living. This might inspire the artist to pay closer attention to events, conversations and actions that happen in a cityscape around him/her more than usual.
• The artist can begin to think in animated or motion visuals regarding big city settings. The artist starts to pay closer attention to the way things move and function rather than how they appear statically appear. This will get the artist to think in actions.
• The artist can think of making original recipes for foods and drink that capture the quintessence of living in a large city. The artist will start to become more aware of aromas, eateries and foods in many urban places. They will begin to seek out the details for this type of multifaceted sensation.

The artist in this case can use their intimate knowledge and familiarity of cityscapes, normally used in their drawings and paintings, and find many other ways to invent and perceive the -same- area or subject. Each time he/she stretches their mind into exploring other “faces” of the same complex mental diamond, the artist becomes more aware and intelligent; more of a dynamic and profound thinker and creator. They can then function VERY flexibly. They are now riding the path of “mastery of potential”.

Of course this is all theoretical. I mean it would take a LOT for someone to live in this fashion. Very -few- people could do it. It would be nonstop learning to the nth degree in the most intense and fully involved manner. You would also need discipline yourself, compel yourself to interact constantly in so many forms and could not be lazy.

You’d have to be fully motivated and highly active. Each person could do less or more than the other but I think most humans are capable of profound expression and expansion. Humans in general are capable of such amazing things and when I occasionally slip into an “alien view” of this truth, it’s absolutely astounding.

I then wonder why we are inclined this way as species and I go back to that ever-persistent question, “What is our purpose here as a species?”

I also wonder how we will evolve further over time and what evolution will bring and look like. How much further can we advance collectively on this planet? Where is this all leading to (if you believe that there is a higher purpose in all of this)?

Some might say survival but if that were the only drive, we wouldn’t really need to be where we are now regarding technological advancement and industrialization. There are many societies that still live in what we like to call “primitive” fashion and they do just fine surviving. In some cases, they might live less complex and confusing lives than many of us in “first nation” societies. But that’s just an argument, a supposition of sorts. Who knows really. But I do know we don’t need as MUCH as we tend to want and have in order to “just survive” if that’s one’s complete answer to my question.

Anyway, going back to “mastery of potential”, I’d love the idea of incorporating a bit of that into my life; learning how to see and do things in as many ways as I can…over time of course. I love relaxing too and just being, so I don’t feel this need to take it to the extreme and neglect the experience of simple relating and having fun, although I value the idea of “mopping”.

In some ways I already ride that wave, but I know I would upgrade my surfboard as well as the waters I choose to surf in if I wanted to. One of my goals is to do just that this year.

Some people might be confused as to HOW to mop. To start, look at something that you think you can do fairly to really well.

Are you an accountant who is good with numbers? If so, how might you apply your skill with numbers in other ways? How about inventing a new equation, using numbers to come up with an innovation financing system for banking and doing taxes, using numbers to learn how to speed add/multiply/subtract/divide big chains of numbers in short time periods, use numbers to come up with a fascinating board game or story or use numbers to invent a personal language? You can do MANY things with your intelligence with numbers and numbers relations. Think about it.

If you are a house painter, start painting pictures, begin creating your own paints and dyes by studying how paints are made, read about the history of paints, use a completely different type of paint for house painting that might just as well or better, come up with a super paint that has winning features, use unorthodox materials for a type of “paint”, begin painting with odd objects to see how the painting process can be altered for a new experience or move on to painting other objects other than houses to see how well you do in those areas and how you might see the process differently in those areas.

Mopping can also take you into entirely new areas of ability and make you aware of how related seemingly unrelated subjects or activities are by discovering new connections between things. If you sing, how might you use your singing to inspire writing? If you act, how might you use your acting skills to design clothes or even create sketches for indoor interiors that personify unique “personalities”?

What can YOU do? What does your true potential look like? How many ways can you get your brain to learn and expand?

Try “mopping” and see what happens. See how you develop and discover more about you. The possibilities are endless.

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Current Mood: Introspective & Motivated & Thoughtful

What is the American dream?

Of course each person defines it differently when it is defined on an individual basis, but for many I’d argue that the American dream is about attaining financial prosperity. Some people might argue that it includes other things such as family, romantic relationships, and a great network of friends. I wouldn’t disagree, but again I see the driving force of the American dream as the desire for wealth. Wealth represents comfort, security…”good living”.

Everyone wants a piece of prosperity pie. I don’t feel this is a bad thing necessarily as long as the perspective is in check, in that a person isn’t blindly driven, at all costs, by this pursuit.

Because of the economic meltdown, it seems like so many people are thinking that the American dream is out of reach…that it’s a dream that must be retired. I am witnessing this sentiment through CNN and C-SPAN news reports, various business/finance/work discussion forums and several friends and acquaintances as discussions deepen on job losses, debt, financial strain and even career refocus. Some people have been in job positions for years that are now categorically disappearing. These are people who’ve been used to specializing in a certain career role and have invested all of their time, training and experience in a specific skill set.

Not everyone has the luxury of going back to school as they deal with ongoing financial demands that they no longer can meet as efficiently as before (or in some cases at all). Not everyone knows what their next step should be once they realize the need to change their game plan. They might see that their talents and abilities are only best expressed through a specific job type. They are probably still paying off student loans in addition to car loans and credit card debt. I think the current conditions are forcing people to either at least redefine their strategy in working towards accomplishing their vision of the American dream or define it differently completely which might not include the goal of wealth anymore.

I also think many people who currently own businesses are wondering if they will be able to grow their investments as they’d hope to now that they aren’t doing so well. In fact their businesses might be very close to folding as they try to make ends meet and pay off both personal and business expenses. Some people might find themselves spending way more time working at their businesses because as a small entity, they too have laid off workers they can’t afford to finance, and as a result need to cover many of those duties and tasks on their own. Things only get worse if they are married and have families because there is less time to spend with loved ones.

People who currently work at jobs aren’t truly in control, especially now. They do realize that, depending on the agenda of the company they work for, they could become expendable at any time. Furthermore, one doesn’t build wealth through an investment of time at a 9-5 job. If that’s where <b>most</b> of one’s income comes from, they aren’t really ahead of the game and there’s not much financial leverage. That makes them even more dependent on and vulnerable to their company’s provisions. That’s not exactly a secure place to be either during an economy’s breakdown. People want security and that includes in knowing where they stand and how they are truly valued in an industry.

Some freelancers in certain industries are feeling the pinch too. They might still have work coming in, however new and regular clients in many cases have less money to pay freelancers for a project, so freelancers are having to agree to fees that are lower than what they usually charge hourly. There are also longer gaps present with getting regular work. Several friends who freelance full-time aren’t doing as well as before. Many of them live either on their own or with a roommate and express how difficult it is to continue to secure their independence. Some have had to move back home temporarily. I have one friend in particular who is contemplating moving back to the Midwest to live with her family because she can no longer afford her new apartment rent. If she doesn’t find some steady work by next week, she is going to book a flight home and have to abandon many of the things she’s got going  on here which includes her full independence. In terms of her career goals, Los Angeles is also the place for her to be, so that’s another disadvantage.

Additionally, I do wonder how many people look at celebrities now. I wonder if the cult of fascination is finally beginning to show a decrease or even result in mass disgust and disdain. Or are people clinging more tightly to “living vicariously” through celebrities by obsessing over them more? Over the years, the culture of celebrity has grown to insane proportions. The lives of celebrities have come to truly represent an obscene and hyperbolic display of the American dream.

As for myself, do I feel that my vision of the American dream has been threatened?

I guess that depends on my perspective.  I am seeing some of my plans come through slowly but surely so far and I know I will continue to have to put in full effort in the areas I am focusing on right now for growth and expansion.   As for my goals for financial wealth, well I still believe that they are possible and although things are bad for the North American economy there are still opportunities for making money.

I just need to keep up with economic news, continue to research and learn, spend wisely and continue to believe and see that there’s a demand for artistic output in entertainment both in the fields of writing and illustration.  My career goals mainly lie within those areas. I aspire to write and illustrate books, develop scripts, create and develop animation shorts, design game blueprints for developers (both casual gaming and console), sell and exhibit my artwork and create brands of my own through character designs and storytelling. All these tie into one another and they will happen in time.

If I can make good money doing what I love then I’ve managed to accomplish the gist of what I define as the American dream. I certainly include well-being and closeness of family, good health, eventually a happy stable marriage with my partner, circle of great friends, artistic enrichment and personal growth.

I guess my dream in a big picture perspective is to live a very fulfilling life where I can appreciate things and people holistically, see tremendous growth, clarity and confidence in myself overall, honor my true passions and constantly be a conduit and pursuer of inspiration.  I mean aren’t these the most important things regardless of how uniquely they apply to each person? I feel all that generally takes care of the rest. They are goals of substance. Having money alone is not going to bring any of that necessarily although it’s a possible byproduct of living your life meaningfully, authentically and to its fullest potential.

So no I don’t believe that the American dream is -dead-. I think we all have to make some changes from now on in how we go about pursuing some of our goals and defining what is important to us. I guess we always had to do this but now, there’s more challenge to really jump into this process.

2009 will be a year of seeing more focus and fruition in and from my efforts.

For everyone, 2009 should be a year of taking the right risks, expanding perspectives and experiences and applying your potential.

Live fully and life for you and most importantly, never stop believing in your dreams no matter what.

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